I had energy still. In this correlating video you my energy is high. I just had a good run a few hours earlier but I was tired. You can see the bags under my eyes from barely any sleep but my energy was good.
I talked very briefly about commitment at the end but had to stop because I felt the emotions surfacing.
I was so open, exposed and raw at this point. My emotions were all over the place all the time now and I did my best to gather and contain them. When it came to how I was feeling, I felt like the farmer who chases chickens and they all run in different directions...I had to learn how to settle in and just FEEL what I was feeling and not try and control it. That's why I stopped talking about it...because the words were feeling less and less important.
The run was amazing. My pain seemed to go away and I was shocked by this. Each step hurt less and less. I remember being excited. My quad pain was gone and I was feeling it less in my feet so I was able to pick up the pace for this run.
It wasn't my fastest but it was my best. My breathing was on point, my stride was strong, I just felt so abundant.
When I got back home I sat on the floor. Even though I had a good run the pain in my left foot was almost unbearable and it was starting to creep up my ankle. My fiancee was on the couch and we started talking.
I was telling her how I had a good run but the pain was killing me.....then I got quiet....and started to think deeply...
I started thinking about slavery.
Of all things, this is the thought that came to me......and without saying a word I broke down crying right there on the floor.
She came to comfort me and when I could get my words together, I told her the pain I'm in they were probably in 100x's worse pain. Shoes probably worn thru the soles with all that running. And not just running to be running....running trying to escape certain death. Truly running to save your life.
Men, women and children. Children as young as my 10 year old daughter and maybe younger..RUNNING. Awakened from their sleep. RUNNING. In the middle of winter. RUNNING. No food. RUNNING. Dogs chasing you. RUNNING. Foul, despicable, ignorant men chasing you with guns. RUNNING. Leaving your family because maybe they couldn't make the trip this time. RUNNING. There may not be a next time for them though..and you know this but you have to KEEP RUNNING!!!
You know how long it takes from Atlanta to Canada walking.....? 11 days and 15 hours. I looked it up between my tears. 12 DAYS!!!!! RUNNING. Let's not forget the stops along the way. The fear that probably paralyzed most. The ones who had to be killed by the very people they escaped because THEY STOPPED RUNNING. The stops could've easily doubled that 12 days to 24.
A month. RUNNING. Running for your life on top of that. Under stress,pressure and fear.
See most people cannot fathom this. This isn't a feeling that people today can truly understand so it may not truly get the empathy that it deserves. It's just folklore or some shit you learn in history class. Some shit people easily breeze over.
I couldn't though.
I had been running for 24 hours and I was only feeling the tip of the iceberg compared to what my people felt back then. RUNNING.
I shared these thoughts with my woman and she comforted me as she had been for every mile I ran. Every time I came back from a run there was water, food, a massage if I needed one, and someone there to greet me with love and a smiling face no matter what I time I got done. How lucky am I?
My ancestors when they were running didn't have IG to take videos before each run...or bottled water when they got done..headphones to listen to music. Just run and don't look back.
This night was the last night that everything that I thought I knew about myself was gone. I let it all out right there on the floor.
I was raw and exposed.
I thought about Ahmaud Arbery, and like me, he was just a Black Man RUNNING...and he lost his life for it.
I was very very thankful to my ancestors for ALL the sacrifices that they've mad over the hundreds of years of recorded history.
I never planned to stop running, but I knew for a fact that I would not stop running until this was over for all my people who didn't stop running for me.